Update – I AM STUPID!

Today was supposed to be a big ta-da day.
A big – i am now a non smoker update.

Instead its a big fail update.
Or is it?

I read the book.
I was reading slowly as you are encouraged to smoke whilst reading the book.
At about page 89 something happened and i started reading quicker so i could finish the book and smoke my last cigarette.

Saturday at 10am i smoked my last cigarette.

Saturday and Sunday were great. I was a non smoker. I had no cravings and no withdrawals, fantastic.

Monday, not so good.
By the time MrK came home from work i was in tears. Not so much because i wanted / craved a cigarette but because i knew i was going to have one and i was disgusted with myself. I had one.

Tuesday – great.

Today – not great.

Today i have had a bad day.
I walked Sox and he found a dead rabbit. I then had to wait an hour on the moors until he ate it and decided to come back for his lead on. I was stood on the moors in tears because the dog wouldn’t do as he was told. I even texted MrK and told him the dog had to go.
The rest of the day has passed with no event.
I have done some spindle spinning which i’m really enjoying and spent some time looking on Ravelry.
By the time MrK came home from work i knew i would have another cigarette.
Its not so much that i am craving them or i have withdrawals, l haven’t. I just wanted one.
I know from reading the book that this is just my head saying i want one, after all theres no logical reason for wanting to inhale the poison if i am not having withdrawal symptoms.
I’ve had 2 and they were bloody horrible.
I don’t want anymore but i know full well that doesn’t mean anything.

I know what it is. I have felt emotional and tired all day, nothing to do with not smoking, alot to do with how i felt stood on the cold moor waiting for the dog to behave.

I am self sabbotaging myself.

I do this when dieting. I have a bad day and eat all the food.

I am not looking at this as a failure, more as a lesson.
That i am stupid!

Hopefully i can get back on track.
Now l just feel totally disgusted with myself, although 20 a day to 3 in 5 days is a small triumph and i will take that.

I am going to reread the book while not smoking, i may even download it onto the kindle so i can highlight and bookmark passages and use the kindle app on the mp3 player.
I am determined to do this and if i can just control my stupidity i know i can do.

I am still counting 10am on Saturday as my stop time as that was my final cigarette. I am going to alter my routine tomorrow for when MrK comes home so i am busy throughout the first couple of hours he is here.
I can do this.

Tonight i am going to knit some more on my jumper.

Tomorrow i will be back with some crafting content. I can’t wait to show you my spindle. I am loving spindling again and even considering treating myself to a pretty one.
I will also be telling you i have not smoked any more nasty, foul, horrible cigarettes.

Thanks for reading.
Take care.

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About Tracey.

I craft, any craft will do.
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3 Responses to Update – I AM STUPID!

  1. loverj says:

    You can do this. Just take it day by day,

  2. Knittynutter says:

    I am the same, don’t see it as a failure, see it as a positive step, from 20 – 3 is a great achievement. Onwards and upwards.. I still have the odd one occasionally but its getting less frequent now.

  3. LucyLadley says:

    Sorry Tracey, your blog had me laughing over Sox & the rabbit eating story. Your smoking story was well told, where we your readers, can feel your journey. – But very funny, to your readers anyway, about your misbehaving dog. Hang in there & give Sox a pet from all of us!

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